29 Lines to Make you Smile

Don't Know if this is already here or not, got it in an email. Made me lol a few times.

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
>
> 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
>thought he was God and I didn't.
> 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
> 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
> 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>
> 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
> 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me (I
>just wish they'd stop speaking Spanish, so I could understand them!)
> 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
> 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
> 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
>
> 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
> 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
>medicine.
> 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
> 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
> 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
>
> 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
> 16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
> 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
>up.
> 18 . Procrastinate Now!
>
> 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
> 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
> 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
> 22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
> 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
> 24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
> 25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
>thousand times the memory.
> 26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
>commitment for a pig.
> 27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
> 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
> 29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.