The best of demetri martin!!

you can say you love kids as a general statement thats fine! but its when you get specific that you get into trouble like

I LOVE 12 YR OLDS!!

Every fight is a food fight when your a cannibal

I love the beach, i like to get there really early, before everybody else shows up, an take like 30 bottles with notes in them an throw them into the water,

then i wait 4 everyone to come to the beach, and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles,i go up behind them, because when they open it, inside theres a note that says " IM STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!"

i love it now that pyjamas have pockets in them, because before that i use to have to hold stuff when i slept!!

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is when your playing a game of charades, especially if your team mates are bad guessers, the only worst time would be during a game of fake heart attack, followed by naps.

Im gonna go out and by a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together, and if people say are they hermit crabs im gonna say not anymore these are mingling crabs!!

sort of is such a harmless thing to say, sort of, its just a filler, it doesn't really mean anything, but after certain things sort of can mean everything, like after: i love you, or your going to live, or its a boy!!!