darkness falls

...and once again i find myself swimming in the cold, bitter, startling darkness that i myself have created. it washes away any illusions of beauty i may have had, and reveals only truths. ugly and horrible truths of who i really am. but it's not. i am the illusion. and i am beautiful. i am in the wrong world, the wrong time, the wrong universe. in this place, the mixture of myself and the present results in wrong ideas, false impressions, and a freezing anger. this place brings out the me that was created by others, with brief glimpses every now and then of who i want to be, what was meant for me. but it won't happen. it's not my fate. that me needs to go away and stop caring because it causes loss. loss of hope, control, strength...perhaps in another life, but not this one. once again i've dropped into the pool of black that has been waiting for me, bubbling and seething with misunderstanding, misinterpretations and misgivings. misguided trust and mistaken identities. this pool feeds on the me i wanted to become and leaves the me people, all people, eventually come to know. i slowly sink toward the bottom, my toes touching the rotten decaying carcasses from the other attempts i have made at fitting into this world, at being compassionate and understanding and even so far as kind and caring. they lie on the bottom of this lake of sludge. and i am, without comfort and with little acceptance, joining them once again. 

1.17.06