Feelings

Sitting here, she thinks over so many things, mostly confused about what to do especially since somebody had found his way back into her life that she would never speak to again. Somebody she really had no desire to know and just wanted to forget. He had told her that he was so very sorry for the things he done to her in the past and was wanted to be forgiven is what it sounded to her. Hesitantly she listened to his words but she could not keep her coldness from showing. She was still very hurt and angry about his past actions and she kept thinking that this time would be no different from all the other times. Little did she know how wrong she was?

They began to have long conversations over the phone, but she still kept her distance even when he would make subtle comments about her and that he had never stopped caring about her. Slowly she began to let her guard down the more they talked almost everyday, but she started to pull away when one night she silently admitted to herself that she still cared about him and still loved him even. It scared her and she was certain that if she said anything that history would repeat itself and he'd just hurt her again despite they had conversations long before this particular night had promised her that he'd never hurt her, she had her doubts.

Then one night when she had gotten slightly wasted he called she doesn't remember much of the conversation, he told her the next night that she has basically told him that she still loved him but wouldn't say it out right. To her surprise, he admitted to her that he still loved her as well. At that moment it scared her a great deal and the only thought she had was to run, disappearing to avoid him just like she always done in the past. It aggravated him when she would make comments to distance herself from him and he would yell at her for it. He made her cry a few times with the contents of there conversations. It still scared her especially since he was so much closer to her now than he had ever been before.

Now you would think with them both feeling the same about each other that they would be together but here is the twist with things. She was somewhat involved with another man. That relationship had been on the rocks over seven months before her and the other man began talking again. As far as she knew, the relationship with her ex was over but he had recently made remarks suggesting otherwise. This complicated and confused her as to what to do. For months, she had been telling her ex to find somebody else to be with but he insisted he wanted to be with only her. However, he had changed and acted distant towards her then he acted and made comments giving her the impression that it was over between them and she took it as such. She had told the other about this and he begun to confide and tell her things about where he would wish there relationship would go. He even told her that he wanted to be with her.

She of course had her doubts that he was serious, so would say he was bluffing and talking shit. It was also her way of hiding the hurt she felt on how her now ex had acted making her feel betrayed and used. Her ex had called her and told her he was thinking about changing his mind and planned to come see her. Well he had called her later that night and she had made the comment about that she was scared about many things especially when he tried pushing her into saying that she loved him. She ended up telling him that she want to make that statement or do anything drastic like that until she could confront her ex in person and find out what exactly was going on with him since he had told her they weren't together and now began to change that. He got upset at her for not telling him sooner than what she did.

He said he felt like a fool especially after telling her that he wanted to be with her. At that moment he began to distance, he from her is how she felt and it upset her causing her to eventually break down and cry and not sleeping for a few days. She told him that it really bothered her that he was starting to keep things from her and he told her that he could not tell her these things until he knew if she was or was not going to be with her ex. He said he did not want to cause any problems or to get hurt if she did choose to stay with her ex. It still bothered her even though he told her he wanted to tell her the things that he just could not right now.

It mattered little as when she was finally able to confront her ex she had told the other man that she was choosing him she just had to have it out with her ex and wouldn't be able to speak to him for a week during this time, he said he was fine with that but would miss her terribly. But apparently he didn't miss her too much as she found out at the end of the week he had cheated on her and left her for the other woman, which crushed her and she closed her heart off to all after that.

Copyright ©March 2003 Angel