Only Human

I was quiet. I gave up on noise after a while, but his arm was still holding me down at my throat. No one was going to hear anyways. My tears were almost dry on my face, and his forceful thrusts didn't hurt as much anymore. Something told me that he liked it rough.

1

I am a horrible excuse for a human being. I killed someone, and it wasn't just anyone. I killed my own mother. Well, I didn't do it on purpose and I was only a newborn, but it was my fault that she died.

I found myself in the same place I always go when I think about my mother. I sat on the edge of the cliff overlooking the quarry, the yellow and red rocks looking jagged but brilliant. I loved sitting on the edge and imagining I had the guts to actually jump. This time, I was there for a different reason, and I was pretty sure that I could take the leap.

I looked down at the plastic stick in my hand. Two pink lines proved that it was true. The missed period was my first clue, and this test just laughed in my face. I was pregnant. I let the pregnancy test drop from my loose grip and fall into the man-made canyon. I watched it drop and hit the ground below. I wished that I could do it, but I knew I couldn't. His name echoed in the back of my mind.

Logan...

The name made me want to jump off a little bit more, but I knew I couldn't do that to him. I stood up and began walking away. I stopped for one last look. I could end it so easily with just one step.

I left the cliff just like I always do.

I wonder how many people actually miss the place they call home after only a little while. I've always found that I don't miss being home until it's been a long time. This was the first time I was actually happy to be home after only a few hours.

Sometimes it feels more like a torture chamber. My dad usually just sits around, either on his computer or in front of the television, and I usually do the same. It doesn't help that I can see Logan's house in almost every room. What's worse is that I can see directly into his room from my own.

I flopped onto my bed after the long hike, and it was my mistake to look out the window. I could see him smiling and laughing on the phone. He was probably talking to his girlfriend. A piece of my heart chipped off.

I turned onto my side and I kept that position, looking into Logan's room. I was a little surprised when I felt the wetness of tears rolling down from my eye and onto my nose. It always felt awkward to lay down when crying since the tears always went the wrong way. This time, I didn't care.

Then I felt it. I felt the familiar warm hand on my arm as someone laid down next to me; my back to them. I could feel his words tickle my ear as his warm breath whipped past. Everything is going to be okay.

I turned onto my back, the tears now flowing towards my ears. No one was there. I was alone in my room and Logan was still in his. He was not in my room, comforting me, like I imagined. I sighed. Imagination can be very dangerous.

I liked pretending that he was there, telling me things would be okay. Of course, they wouldn't be, and Logan would never be here for me like that. Guys are only like that for girls they like, and Logan didn't see me like that. Logan didn't see me as a girlfriend, but just a regular friend. It's been this way since he moved in when he was five and we decided to be friends.

I always thought it was obvious how in love I was with Logan, but he never saw it. Instead, he saw the affection from Jessica, and that's who he chose. I was chosen by Kevin, and he is the father of this thing inside me.

I sat up and touched my stomach. I was pregnant. I wasn't sure how to deal, but I just knew that I could not be a mom. I would be turning eighteen in a week, and this baby would screw up everything I planned to do with my life. I could get an abortion, and no one would need to know that I was even with child.

If I was going to keep this a secret, I would have to go to a clinic out of town. I pulled out an old folder from Health class. There was a list of Woman Clinics the school gave us. I read it over, and each clinic stated if it required you to have parental consent or not. The closest clinic that was far enough away was Women, Now. It required a parent if you were under 18. It's no big deal. I'd be 18 next week. I can wait.

Just one week to know there was a creature inside of me, feeding off of me and my life. Just one week to wait till I can get it out. I can survive one week.

I looked over into Logan's room. He was still on the phone. I began to watch his lips move, and pause as they took turns talking. I tried to read his lips, but I wasn't very good at it. The only thing I recognized was when his mouth moved in perfect motion to say “olive juice” or “I love you.” Obviously, they weren't talking about olive juice. A piece of my heart splintered off again as he put the phone down.