The Comotose and the Dead

As far as I’m concerned, I’m already dead.  I’m falling into that routine of work, sleep, work, sleep, and I’m numb.  I try to be social, live normally, be happy, but the endless cycle just overrides that.  I am a zombie to the world.  I live my days in and out, and I already feel old at 17.  Fewer and fewer things are rekindling the passion in me, and I’m afraid that it’s all gone already.  My artwork is now my obsession since I feel that passion.  It makes me feel…alive.  I can feel the rush when I work on it.  I’m excited.  And I’ve also found other things.  Things that make me feel human again, that make me feel real.  It all seems so surreal, but at the same time, normal.  My head is spinning out of control, but I’m also stationary, my feet finally on the ground.  I’ve felt dead for so long, that these feelings are so alien to me now.  It’s so hard to explain, but for the first time in a long time, I felt truly happy, even if it was only for a while.  It was enough to keep me content, but I’m finally alive.  Somewhat.  I’m finally real.  Kind of.  I’m human again.  To an extent.  I may not be fully, but at least I can remember what its like.  And that’s what counts.  I can remember how to feel again, and this time I’m not afraid to.  I’ve jumped off the cliff between being normal and finally saying “fuck it” and it all feels so good.  It feels good to be corrupt and wrong, and to know that I’ve done something bad.  I’m no longer trying to be perfect, but instead I’m finally trying to be who I am, which I have lost sight of.  I still wouldn’t be able to tell you who I am, but maybe I will at a future date.  But does that matter when I’m not longer dead?  At most now, I’m comatose, but not like you think.  I’m in a slumber, but I can dream, and think and feel, but I’m teetering between the emptiness, but also towards a world so unknown, yet so familiar.  I can finally be normal, and be me, and feel all those amazing feelings, but I’m not dead.  I’m not numb.  I can be human.  I may not be, but at least I can.  And to me, It’s all that matters.