The Epic Story of The Quest pt15

Three years ago in the small village of Pablo a revelation in the history of frame making was made. Not very much went on in this village, apart from a bit of farming competition, the odd wedding and a bit incestory. The old man, Father Pablo had been producing all sorts of picture frames for decades as it provided the family income. It was at the grand age of 34, with his cataracts kicking in, crumpled back and skin hitting the ground that he decided it was time to develop his frame building skills. He trekked to the mysterious Pablo forests and hunted down unicorn’s cone things, and he ventured across the steep mountains of Pablo to capture the souls of pandas who had lost their way. He then dragged his weather beaten carcass of a body through the deep flowing rivers of Pabloson way to gather the ancient rocks of the rivers bed, which had been cried on by the great Zeus after he trampled on the eyelashes of the sacred Giraffe. When he finally returned to his feckless family he put the frame together using these mystical objects. Five days later he had completed the bitch of a project. He did not yet know the enchanted properties of this frame.

Five minutes down the road Rose Kennedy, a mad cat lady and small dog rapist was purchasing some melons from the Pablo market. She had a tendency to be violent and use knives to solve most of her problems, especially when faced with the legendary Rowan Bunnie. They had had a long and difficult past together, which involved a boring Sunday afternoon, a bottle of Viagra, a sheep, a malformed sheep child and a disagreement over who gets the chilmb (child/lamb). Rose was overcome with rage, the insanity fuelling her body. She let out a blood curdling scream and stripped off all of her clothes. Holding a rather upset cat by the tail in one hand she bared her muscle. “YOOOOU!” she growled.

Rowan tensely looked over her shoulder. Knowing she was in for it she dropped her many shopping bags and sprinted down the lane. Rose came racing behind her, her scream filling the streets, spinning the cat above her head, completely naked and in her element. Rowan cleverly hid under a Pablo, leaving Rose to violently scream past her, leaving a lot of violated locals behind her; old man Pablo looked up, and saw that a naked mad lady was about to absorb him. He shuffled to the side and allowed Rose to run into his house and into the frame which he had spent months mastering. A loud popping noise followed by a ringing silence left Pablo confused. Tip toeing uncertainty to the frame he now understood what the frame could do. Captured in his pride and joy was a naked cat lady, holding and cat by the tail and caught in a mid scream and running motion.

The rumour had spread fast about the devil frame. An old man called Pablo, (although he was wearing a name tag with Garángestille on it) bought the frame without question and took it home with him. He was going to use that later…

‘Why is he with that naked lady?’ asked Kim.

‘And why is she girding her loins?’ said Emily, who began to cry.

‘Quick! We have to get him off the wall, were going to have to carry him!’ exclaimed Jasper.

As Emily and Jasper reached to pull him off the wall, Garángestille was evidently not giving up. He didn’t give up when a lion ate him then strangled him with his mum’s loincloth. And he didn’t give up when he got shredded to pieces by a machine gun, only to then be stabbed by a chair, then trampled with an old 80’s computer, then his guts were set alight by a flame thrower, then the embers were mashed up by a meat hammer, then they got spat on the same lion that strangled him. Oh no, he would refuse to die.

Kim was in panic. She couldn’t challenge him to another express off as her face had solidified into the expression of a man weeing on a pile of snow. Let’s see, if you can cheat death itself then cheat can death you yourself! No, if you can cheat death itself death can cheat you yourself! That’s it! Kim quickly pulled down a heavy dark plum curtain and wrapped it around herself. She took a long sheath (I think that’s what their called) from a suit of armour to really finish the look off.

‘H-HELLO’ bellowed Kim.

‘TEA?’ asked Garángestille shiftily, trying to fool ‘death’.

‘I THINK IT’S TIME YOU CAME WITH ME YOU NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY NOB’, boomed Kim

‘NO, NO, NOT NOW, WHY NOW?’ panicked Garángestille. The others couldn’t believe he was falling for this.

‘YOU KNOWS IT BONG-MACNAB, IT’S TIME WE WENT’, tutted Kim, tapping her foot.

‘YOU CAN’T GET ME! YOU CAN’T GET ME, IM AS OLD AS A TREE AND RESPECTED BY MANY. YOU CAN HAVE SOME TEA, YOU CAN CALL ME LEE BUT YOU WONT GET ME. I’M A FUCKING LEGEND.’ Garángestille was getting really worried now.

Kim couldn’t be arsed to play word games as Emily was pissed off with the key board as every other word she typed was wrong; so she grabbed MacNab by the scruff of the neck, locked him in a cupboard and said ‘you’re dead now’. Emily then sat back and marvelled at her wit. Then laughed at how poor it was, so she changed that bit:

Kim then pulled out a whistle, blew it hard so that its sounds carried off to the north winds. The almighty Thor felt the whistle penetrate his mighty ear drum. He picked up a sacred lamb and made his way down to earth on a golden eagle. Swooping down into the castle, he smacked MacNab over the head with a lamb and patted Kim on the head, then gave Emily the title Sir Emily. ‘Thanks Thor’, said Sir Emily.

‘Oh no, now we have to walk to Melwookie from here. This is such a detour! We’ve gone right past Rye but ended up in the middle of nowhere AGAIN’ complained Sir Emily.

Whilst Jasper wept with sympathy over the picture of Johnny (who was pacing up and down between the unicorn horns a bit confused), Kim decided to bombard Thor with annoying whining texts until he came to give them a lift on his golden eagle.

As they were flying through the air at great speeds Jasper looked down and saw that a message had been waxed into the eagles back. Sir Emily thought it best if Thor didn’t know about it as he would probably blame them for it. They gathered around to see what the message entailed.

Jasper seemed quite hurt by this, considering he had drawn up mood boards and spider diagrams on the code.

‘What did you get in your bag Sir Emily?’ asked Kim

‘I got a mars bar, a slice of melon, cheese sandwiches with the crusts cut off, a drink of cranberry juice and oh! A packet of raisins! How about you?’

‘I got a curly whirly, a cinnamon bagel, an ounce of homemade chocolate and a bag of popadoms. I’ll do swapsies with my chocolate and your raisins’

‘Oooo! You got me all excited! Ok Derek’, squealed Sir Emily. She then looked thoughtfully at Johnny who was yearning for his catnip toy and packet of whiskers. ‘How about Johnny?’ pondered Sir Emily.

‘I’ll have his whiskers and you have his toy. Easy!’

Sir Emily felt like her soul was turning black for a moment but she soon got over it, ‘ok’.

A cough came from the tail of the eagle, ‘Hello! What about the message!’ Tutted Jasper.

‘Oh, can I have your slice of cake Jasper?’ enquired Sir Emily

‘Hu! Carrot cake! MY FAVOURITE!’ yelped Kim.

Whilst the two girls absorbed the food Jasper pondered the message.

‘It’s the moon! For sure! Thor, take us to the moon!’

‘Oh, I can’t do that. I haven’t enough sacrificial cow juice to get us there. Uh… let’s see. A cheap and easy way to get to the moon… I’ll drop you off on the world’s biggest trampoline!’ concluded Thor.

And before you can say Sir Emily, Thor prodded them off the back of his golden eagle with a meter stick.