Final Letter

Final Letter

Hello Mom. Sorry for taping this on to your computer screen however I needed to know you got this and you are addicted to chat rooms lol. Before I get to what I have to say, make sure you read everything I am to tell you now ok? Oh and what I am about to tell you is only for your eyes so burn this letter after reading ok? Of course I have no way of stopping you lol.

Well, ummmm (Disclaimer: as you know I like to write you so that it sounds as if we are talking). Yeah so ummm well, I love you and while I cannot predict the future I am confident I always shall. These past three years I have strived to be as happy for you as possible. I wanted to give you so many memories that are special for you and I. I do not have to ask you. I know I succeeded in doing so. Do me a favor mom? Before I continue I humbly request that you take a seat and finish reading?

Okay now. *Phew* Well I am a patient man as you well know and I am somewhat of a schemer. These past three years has been surgically orchestrated by yours truly. You are unaware of this but three years ago I took out a life insurance policy on myself. It was for 500 thousand dollars. Yes!. That is some decent money. I did this so that if something were to happen to me, my family would at least be able to benefit from my misfortune. And with your help, you all will.

Mom, I have been sick of life since about the age of ten. Ten. I am now Thirty. So for twenty years I have had an existence that I did not want. It is just too much for me. I am thirty and in those years, I have nothing to show for it. I have left no mark on society. No career. no social life. No wife or child. I have nothing. I am nothing.

From when I was a little spring chicken I have found it incredibly hard to comprehend the outside world. Children my age I was not like. I said hello when I was not too shy and was always friendly. They would only associate with people who were like them so I was always excluded from them. They would them proceed to harass those who were not like them. I usually was one of them. I was not a violent person and was confused. I would ask them why? They responded by shoving me around. Stating that I sounded like a girl. Knock me down and kick me around. And this is Pre-k mom. Pre-K! I remember vividly. I would tell the teacher and she would say that they were playing. Games are not supposed to instill terror. I knew that much at four years of life. That's when I learned about that unspoken rule about snitching. Got beat worse. I came to you and you told me to defend myself. So I did. I beat them good too mom. I learned that rage can be a powerful weapon. I felt good. They would not bother me anymore. What do they do? Snitch. Does the teacher tell them I am only playing? No. She slaps me on the back of my hand and then you come and spank me. The bullying continued. I come home crying and you tell me that I have to stop crying. That I cannot be so soft. I used to try to be like a roughneck of sorts and be hard. You know what mom? That is not me. I am not some hard core person. For whatever reason I was given the gift of unconditional compassion and caring. This put me at odds with the rest of the world because as I got older I began to see the world for what it really is. A vast terrain of predators taking advantage of the prey. Let me tangent for a moment and say to you that I am not blaming you for my scarred childhood. You were a single parent raising a son and daughter and my father was Awol so how much can you really to make a man out of a boy.I had so much love in my heart for everyone. I eventually learned that in order for me to survive in this world that I cannot be kind. I cannot love. I cannot care about others. I could not do this however and this frustrated me. I cannot just make myself evil. The overall coldness of the world did teach me to be just that. Cold. Callous. While I could not shut off my emotions to save my life, I did learn to mask it. I also learned to stop trying to fit in and I began to say what was on my mind and I truly did not care about what other's thought of me anymore. That felt good initially. I learned the beautiful are of sarcasm. I trained my wit to be razor sharp. I needed it because I was not a fighter. That was something I did not like. Of course I got into fights but I hated it. Turned my stomach. So now here I am 30 years old. Living in a world where people are so unwilling to help each other. Ignorance is abundant. I am just trying to fake it until I make it. I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. If only you know how much my heart is tired of singing alone. It's voice has long gone hoarse. Life's lessons have taught me that absolutely no one can be trusted. I have never met a single person who has been completely honest with me. Not a single one. I've had my heart broken soo bad mom. You remember her. The only woman who ever looked at me and saw my core. Saw what I had to offer and contemplated taking that ride with me. My gut told me that the other shoe would drop eventually. One thing that our family is good at is listening to our inner selves. My inner self told me that her "love" was only an infatuation. Her past loves cheated on her and were overall dogs. Even smacked her around a couple of times. She eventually decided that a nice guy was not what she wanted and It destroyed my heart. What made it worse was that I had my heart turned off and when with her It began to pulse again. *sigh*

Well mom let me not beat around the bush. I have been avoiding saying it but I have to so I am just going to say it. As you read these words, if everything went to how I orchestrated it I should have passed on. Yes mom. I am dead. Finish reading this please? I asked you to burn this for the following reason. With the insurance policy, surviving family members will not get a penny. So I took a long, long time to find a way to end my life and ensure you all a comfortable one. I found one which I am gambling will work. Insulin. I have to apologize to you mom. You asked me if I knew where one of your needles and viles went. I said i did not know. You see I read up and found out that for someone who does not have diabetes decided to inject him with insulin, the person will peacefully die. The cause of death should look natural. My only other problem is that there may be an autopsy and if so They will likely see the needle mark. Although allegedly the insulin is not supposed to leave a trace I still did not want them to find a puncture mark. A couple days ago when I cut myself deep while cooking. No accident. The way I see it, if I inject deep into the wound they wont be able to find the mark. They would only look on the surface. Problem solved. If you only knew mom how much I had to B.S. to get that insurance. As much as I hate lying I was suprisingly good. Passed all of their tests. Inspite of my poor health. Being that I am overweight they did not want to give me that much. But I think of almost every possible scenario mom. You would be proud. I showed them an old picture of when I edited my face on my cousin Nick's body. Told them that I've been jogging and that I am still losing. I used my superior gift to talk to relate to people (which I learned just from observing people) to get this money mom. I need you to go along with this. No one in the family has the capital to bury me.

In your Hiding spot (yes mom I found that long ago) you will find several letters with specific instructions on what to do with my more valuable items. Among them you will also find my Will and Teatament.

I need you to be strong ok. You already have grandchildren through my sister. Our family will go on. I am not upset believe it or not. I am content and completly relaxed This is a good thing. Really it is. How many people do you know would die to better those around them huh? It works for both of us. I get a release from this painful existence and with the amount of money I have set for you, you will be able to open up that club you have wanted to. Several times over infact. This is my gift to you. I'm sorry but it sort of trumps all the gifts you gave me. You gettin' Paid! lol. I know. Innapropriate time to joke around huh?

I know the Roman Catholic in you is afraid that I may go to hell. If god exists then maybe I will. I've always leaned more to the realm of science and definative facts so I do not know if God, Yahweh, Allah, or Jehovah actually exists. If he does maybe I can explain to it that my sacrifice was noble. Yes I said it. I didn't say him because I never met him. He could be a she. Or a platypus. I do not know. I do know I can be very suave and persuasive. So if I cannot get into heaven (if it exists) perhaps I can just get a slap on the wrist with a purgatory sentence wich in the grand scheme of things would not be too bad. I might get out on good behavior lol.

For the past few hours I have been hearing this toc-ticking sound and I think I am going to end this soon. I am feeling,,, off. I already injected before I began to write this and I would prefer to pass on in my sleep. Gosh I hope I do not pass on in the middle of a dream with Salma Hayek! Now that would be hell......Well mom, the will clearly states who gets what. It also gives you the sole rights over how and when my things are disseminated. As you wipe your tears reading this., Know that I will always love you. More than and piece or parchment could emphasize. Speak well of me to my nieces and nephew ok? A billion smooches and bear hugs to you.

xoxoxoxoxo

                                                Forever and Always;

                                                       Your First Born;

                                                    Your Darling Son.

P.S. Under your pillow you will find a Twenty dollar bill attached to an envelope. The twenty represents the one and only time I stole money from you. I was fifteen and tried to impress a girl (don't ask). So there it is. Inside the envelope is about fifteen years of interest on that initial twenty. I am not math wizard so I have no idea how much it was exactly so I just left in there 980 dollars. This gives you an even thousand total. Buy yourself something nice ok?

P.P.S. 1,200 of my insurance money is going to my funeral costs. Make sure I look Fly ok. I wanna look goooood. Love you!

                                                           Written by;

                                                            Douglas SWilliams

                                                                        10/25/07