Dolores Evangeline Taitt Williams

Did you know I would watch you sleep sometimes? One to make sure you were “A” ok and also to make sure you wouldn’t sneak up on me when I was watching my M.I.L.F. Hunter. For you are like a phantom! You move without sound. I only felt safe when I heard you snore. The females of our family seem to snore rather loud. I have half a mind to record a few hours of it and play in a continuous loop if I ever decide to camp out at Yellowstone. It would be a surefire way to deter any would be predator attempting to take a chunk out of my booty.

Did you know I endeavored to lean Spanish on the low so I can surprise you and have a full conversation with you like I’ve always wanted. I tried to have you teach me but you would often forget and go totally E.S.L. on me and I’m forced to say No Mas! I laugh when I think of that. Did you know I almost put an “lol” after the esl comment? Like you would have understood that right? It is a shorthand way of saying laughing out loud or lots of laughs. Lol! Ooops Freudian slip.

Do you know how much I miss your cooking? How you could take a frozen solid roast and have it so soft one wouldn’t have to chew all inside of forty-five minutes? It would take me anywhere from three to four hours to complete the same task. Did you know I’ve gradually began to cook more like you? Buying and eating foods that is normally your style?

Do you know that when you said you were dying that refused to believe it? You’ve said so many times in my lifetime that I was under the impression you were overreacting to whatever was ailing you at that moment. Did you know that when you had me write down you will and testament how unsettling that was for me. I mean gosh! You’re only seventy-four! Even your mother lived to be eighty-nine!

Did you know how hard it was for me to not panic when I found you laying in the bathroom in your own urine? That when I tried to pick you up what you said to me? It hadn’t dawned on me what was occurring. I figured your sugar was low. So I told you that I needed you to help me lift you up. It took all of you energy to let out an exhausted “I’m trying” That was one of the last things you said to me. Do you know how hard I fight back the tears when I think of that night?

Do you know you made some sort of medical record? The doctors at south side stated that well your sugar wasn’t low. It was actually high. Higher than ever recorded by them before. Two-thousand. Two-thousand. They said to me that they’ve had people come in with levels of eight-hundred to a thousand and not make it. You did. Albeit in a state of coma. But you did. Several days later you came to. Eyes yellow due to jaundice. But the fire was still there. That’s my ‘Buela. The forever fighter. Stubborn as a herd of mules. When you came to, do you know how hard it was for me to have to leave you in I.C.U. after visting hours was done? You looked at me with a look of terror and your lip quivered so much. I stayed a bit longer but I had to leave. It was gut wrenching.

Pancreatic Cancer

Stage Four

No coming back from that.

Did you know that as soon as I heard I Left work early to be by your side. Did you know how strong I was being until I saw you laying there. Well fed and drugged. You were awake and talking. Ready to go home. Now that’s my ‘Buela. The fighter. A true Leo. I cried. I cried a considerable amount. Doctors said that you were not strong enough for surgery. I told them you were. How do u survive blood sugar levels that high when people a third of your age couldn’t survive with less then half? Because it was not your time. I was certain of that. Did you know I was the only one who even tried to get a second opinion or find a doctor who could perform the surgery and give you a dignified few years to set your “house” in order? I tried to get help from Montel Williams and Oprah. They never replied. Pardon my French ‘Buela but Fuck them. They could have at least responded saying sorry or something.

Do you know how hard it was for me to watch you slowly waste away? To try to feed you but the tumor was so massive it blocked your intestine’s flow. Do you know how much I wish I could have cast some spell or encantation to give my pancreas to you and sacrifice myself so you could live? Did you know that they let Ceasar out of prison long enough to see you? Were you coherent enough to realize that. Sadly I still cannot forgive him for doing what he did to me for all those years he did. Do you know that only you and Erica know about it? You may not remember her but she was the woman who’s face I had on my desktop background for months. You saw it one day and said she was so pretty. Yeah you were right and she still is. I told you she was my friend but in truth I wanted to meld my soul with hers. *sigh* Things do not always work out as one plans them. Regardless she is still important to me.

Did you know that Uncle Donald even managed to come and see you. He was with us your entire last week in this corporeal realm. Did you know it was he who awoke us on Sunday October 22^nd of 2006 and stated he thinks you were gone? Do you know we rushed to your side? Did you feel me take your hand just like I did the day before? When you looked at me and I told you I had to go to work and I said in your good ear that I loved you? Did you feel it ‘Buela? I asked you to grip my hand like you would do even when sleeping.

You did not.

I called your name I said Grandma! Grandma! You gotta wake up! ‘Buela! ‘Abuela! I am saying all this in you good ear. Louder than normal and borderline screaming.

You did not respond.

I gently nudged your shoulder. You can be a heavy sleeper.

You did not wake.

Your jaw was open like it is when you snore. I tried to close it.

It wouldn’t stay shut.

Logic told me what all of this meant. I was being stubborn. My aquarian trait I suppose. However I opened you eye lid. I looked. The eyes. I love the eyes. They say so much. I in part wear sunglasses so that people won’t know what my eyes say……..

Your eyes said nothing.

Not so much as a whisper came from them. They were silent.

Empty.

Vacant.

Yet your body was still warm.

Did you know then the doctor came in to make an official time of death and she check or a pulse I hoped she would find one?

She did not.

Do you know how upset I was that we could not afford you the kind of funeral that you deserved? No one saw this coming and no one had the funds to be lavish. Did you know that I was the only one to speak after they began to lower you. Others were preparing to leave for it was unusually cold and windy for that day. I made them stop and listen. I told them a story of how we would play fight and you would lay me out every time. About how you would hit like a man! That I could never win against you. You don’t fight fair. And how the hell do you throw your shoes so damn fast and accurate? I told them about how one time you threw you shoe at me and I turned a corner and I swear that shoe followed me anyway and hit me upside the head. That’s mi ‘Buela! Defying the laws of physics.

Do you know That I think you daily? That I’ve dreamt of you more in the past year that I did in the ten years prior?

Did you know that last September I broke down and started crying in the middle of work? I never break down.

I broke down.

Do you know how much of an impact you’ve had on me Dolores Evangeline Tait Williams? And on those around you? Like how I make up my own words like you would? Not that I’m trying to be “Bigadocious” or anything. Though sometimes I can me a real “Sam Jeggah” I know people who read this will have no idea what those words mean but It’s ok right ‘Buela?

Do you know how much I love you? In spite of all of the arguing and squabbling and what not. I love you. Do you know that while I no longer follow any religion that I pray that there is an afterlife and that you are among the honored dead?

I love you so much. If I ever have progeny they will hear the song of your life. And they will love you. As so many do. Did I ever tell you that I love you? Well I forever do.

I love you ‘Buela

Douglas S. Williams.