Tips On How To Survive In Horror/Sci-Fi/Thriller Movies .

   Ok Muthafuckas. The following is a guide to those who may find themselves in a situation where you are gonna need  escape from serious peril. Read carefully. This could save your life.

   Tip One: PAY A-FUCKIN-TENTION!! Listnen y'all there are clues all around that will tell you that your ass is being hunted. Just open your fuckin' eyes and you may live a bit longer ok?

   Tip Two: If you are alone somewhere and you hear a strange noise, yes you can ask if it is Barry or Sam. That is fine but if no one responds, do like a New Yorker....Just say to yourself, fuck 'em. Do not go out into the unknown looking for someone who may or may not be there. Chances are it is a huge monster with teeth bigger than Mini-Me. It wants you outside for the easy kill. Keep your ass inside where it is warm ok?

   Tip Three: Something real New Yorkers do. When walking/running to your car, have the key you use to drive in your hand. You know your car so there is no need for you to be fumbling with the slot. Get it in turn on the car and drive. Besides most of today's cars come with a remote or keyless entry and others have a keyless start. Which means that by the time you get to your car all you have to do is stomp the gas! Furthurmore, what the fuck is with the screaming when whatever is hunting you is banging on the glass? Fact...you are inside a 2 and a half ton killing machine. He/she/it  isnt spiderman so if you go fast enough they will fall off.  And when they do, throuw that son'bitch in reverse and trample it. Then go back into drive mode and hit it again. Repeat this process until it stops kicking.

   Tip Four:  If for whatever reason you find yourself running through a forest or dark ass alley from said monster. Be observant. Yes I know this can be difficult since you are running for your life. But a llittle smarts go a long way. Keep your eyes forward. A little fact. Your adrenaline is racing from the fear. trust in your instincts. All of your muscles are gonna react many times faster than normal. You will be able to see and hear better. Keep your eyes forward as if you were driving. You will see the random twig comming to trip you up. If by chance you do trip on the aformentioned twig, dont fight it you will only bruise a couple of ribs and allow youself  to be killed that much more easily. Instead encourage the fall. Use the inertia to give yourself a roll and with enough force you will come back to your feet with little or no injury and minimal  time wasted. you can still escape. Just focus. oh and if you are female, blonde, and have an I.Q. of about 84 then it is already too late for you. That's your ass! But dont fret. It's just nature's way of "culling" the herd.

   Tip Five: The following is mostly for Caucasians. No offense. If you see an African American running from something, and he isn't being pursued by police,  has a look of pure terror on his face and other African Americans see this and begin to run as well, you should follow suit. Idly standing there wondering what is going on will only get you eaten.

   Tip Six: There is strength in numbers. Think back to your days as a child watching those nature shows. When the lions were hunting the water buffalo, the buffalo ran as a group and they were safe. Only the foolish ones who werent paying attention got devoured....Dont be a fool. United, people will stand stronger against any slasher/monster/whatever.

   Tip Seven: If  you witness a falling object crashing nearby, Call it in to the proper authorities. Let them die. If it may have looked like a plane crashing that is understandable to want to help any possible survivors. However if once you get there you come to the realization that even though you arent a pilot or airline mechanic, that this isnt an airplane or atleast a terrestrial one, back the fuck up please? It is likely bent on world domination and you are a tasty snack.

   Tip Eight: If your are alone in your house frequently,  keep random blunt objects and maiming tools strategically placed. This is your domain and you should know it better than the potential being attempting to inflict harm on you. If he does get in, again this your house you shouldnt be tripping over every muthafuckin thing. The monster or slasher should be. And when it trips you take your axe that you had cleverly hidden, aim for the base of it's neck and swing. Your house. Your constitutional right to defend yourself and property. No jail time. Oh and do not run up the fuckin stairs unless that is where the already loaded 12 gauge is ok?

   Tip Nine: Ascertain who the main character is. While this is no absolute guarantee that you will make it through, you should live a whole lot longer.

   Tip Ten: If you decide to shoot at whatever is pursuing you, keep in mind that you only have a finite amount of bullets. Shooting randomly at any moving shadows will only waste bullets. Furthumore, if one of those bullets so much as grazes my beautiful dimples. I'm a beat your muthafuckin ass! Keep cool and take controlled shots. If he gets close, yes it will be scary but you know what? Bullets do more damage at close range. Kinda hard to miss a head shot from a foot away.

   Tip Eleven: Learn basic anatomy...watch a couple of kung-fu movies as well. believe me it will help. Well, if your pursuer is human. Guys will fall with a scrotal kick. When he falls kick him there a couple more times to ensure he doesnt have enough power left to get you still. Females you can punch in the gut good enough and they will fall like a ton of bricks. When punching or kicking in defense, imagine a target behind your attacker. Punch for that. dont pull away once you made contact. Follow through for maximum damage. Kick in the knees as well. that will do an amazing amount of damage..

   Tip Twelve: If eleven was too difficult then anything goes. This is your survival here. Fight dirty. Bite and Tear off flesh. Pluck out it's eyes. Donkey punch if you have to but dont givve up.

   Tip Thirteen: If By luck you  and whomever you may be with manage to escape the impending doom, it is likely temporary if you havent killed it. Keep your ass moving and increase the gap between you and it do not stop and bicker with your compatriots. The asshole screaming is 1, giving away your location and 2, is gonna die for his ignorance. Again nature's way of culling the herd. If this person is a real asshole, then if we have to run for our lives again, I will trip that muthafucka and throw some raw meat around his neck. I'll  be dammed if I get eaten For that fucker.

   Tip Fourteen. If you havent been paying attention, the whole theme here is Paying Attention!! Common sense means survival. Bumbling Fools become Bumbling Fodder. You stand there panicing like a 2 yr old then you deserve your fate. I will attempt to get you to regain your composure but I am not gonna waste valuable time. If you cant be reasoned with in a timely manner than you arent comming with us.

               I aint going out like no sucka! Will any of you Make it?