Frozen chapter 4-6

“Mr. Colby” the middle aged man approached him with a smile and shook his hand.

“Yea” he said quietly which he usually wasn’t.

“I’m Dr. Sager” they released hands and as the Dr took a seat Austin just kind of stood there.

“Take a seat Austin just make yourself at home, I got a pot of coffee if you want some.”

“No thanks” Austin started to lighten up at his kindness and hospitality, he sat in a leather chair across from him.

“How have you been?” he asked him just making small talk

“Good…well you know why I’m here so not much to say.”

“You’re here because you wanted professional help so I would like you to tell me why you think you do.”

“I don’t know where to start…” Austin stuttered being nervous knowing he was going to tell him something he had never told anyone.

“Lets start with something simple like where you work and how that’s going for you.”

“Ok well I uh work at this nice restaurant about ten minutes away from where I live, its by the lake and has a great view. I love it there well sometimes really.”

“Why is it just sometimes?” Sager asked inquisitively

“Well I love cooking which is why I’m there but some of the people…”Austin looked away at something else. “Some of the people there make my life hell for their own amusement.”

“Do they know how you feel about this?” he asked him and Austin thought for a moment

“Kind of yes and no…I don’t say anything because I don’t like conflict. I don’t want it to escalate into fighting of some kind because I don’t like violence in real life. But they do see it in my face and my change in attitude when it bothers me but still they persist even more so it seems when they know I’m bothered.”  Sager nodded and waited for Austin to say more but Austin was thinking once again.

“What about your bosses there? Is there something they can do?” Austin looked at him

“That’s the problem…they do know in fact one of them joins in the harassment from time to time though but he more considerate about my feelings only after he hurts me. He doesn’t realize how many times I’m hurt though, the other two are these sixteen year old boys that have been talked to about this but still don’t stop.  And as much as I would like to get angry at them and tell them to knock it off I can’t, I don’t know why but I take the passive route all the time.”

“How is this attitude toward your anger affecting you?” Austin chuckled at the simple question which had a complicated answer or so he thought.

“I pretend that it doesn’t but in reality it hurts to know there is something in me that would gladly harm others.”
”This is common place for people with an anger problem such as yours.  What you need is an outlet for such a thing…”

“That’s just it though” Austin interrupted which he didn’t normally do “I write all the time as an outlet but it’s like my anger is like a power supply unit.  The more you put it the fuller it gets and writing is how I get ride of some of that energy but its not enough anymore, there is to much going in and not enough coming out and I’m afraid I’ll overload one day.”

“Is there a reason why you are so afraid of this anger other than hurting people?” Austin paused when he asked the question because it was an easy one that he knew the answer to quickly.

“It’s family…they are the only friends I have really. I don’t talk to people from work outside even though I have tried.  If an overload happened then how they would see me is my biggest fear so I must hold it in.  I was with family when my first concern hit me and I wanted to come here but I kept putting it off.  I was next to a forest when I heard my name a couple times in the dark like it was right next to me but I did not see nor hear anyone around me.”

“Did you hear anything else?”

“Nothing of importance” He shook his head and looked down at his work shoes which he wore everywhere.

“What eventually brought you here?”

“I was at work and long story short I did nothing wrong but these kids I worked with got me so angry but I was calm in my actions towards them.  They made comments that I should kill myself and I went to the basement to…” he hesitated and looked at Sager.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me yet, this is your first session.”
”This is all I want, I hope you can tell me enough that I don’t have to come back and feel crazy.”

“You’re not crazy Austin you’re just an angry person on the inside to no fault of your own. You are getting help for it and that is a big step for you, a lot of people don’t get help till it’s too late.” Austin took a deep breath glad to hear that he was doing the right thing by coming there.

“I went down there to cry and it may not sound like a big deal but I don’t like people to know that I cry from that pain.”

“This is a confidential relationship we have Austin so you can tell me anything.” Sager smiled at him to ease his obvious nerves.

“On my way back up I heard the same person say I was going to be a serial killer one day. I believe he said that because he sees how I deal or not deal with my anger.  Even after I had felt better after that cry this still got to me and I grabbed the rails and started shaking for a reason I don’t know. And to be honest with you it scared me because I couldn’t control it for a little while.”

“Sounds like a simple panic attack which in the future could become an anxiety attack, neither are the worst to happen to you but it is a common thing to happen to people who are under a lot of stress.”

“What can I do about this?”
”I will see what I can do about getting you a prescription pill to take so you don’t get angry like that. Other than that you might want to get another job cooking if people there are causing you so much stress.” Austin sighed at the thought of leaving a place he loved.

“Doc you got to tell me something because like I said before I only intended on this one session.”
”You choose to come here and you can choose not to come back but I would recommend that you come back so we can work on this together.”

“Ok…” he sighed fearing the answer to his question “Am I crazy or going insane?”

“No…” he said without thinking about it and Austin was actually surprised at this.

“Then why do I feel like I am?” he looked the doc straight in eye for an answer he so desperately wanted to hear.

“You have your issues as we all do and you handle them differently given your situation it impresses me that you haven’t hurt someone already.  In your mind you want to believe you’re somewhat crazy so you have a reason to feel this way, a reason for things you can’t explain. But the truth of the matter is that these things happen and maybe all you need is a change of environment and these things will seem insignificant.”

“That makes sense…” Austin smiled still not wanting to quit his job but it was in his mind if it made him better. Austin looked at the clock and got up “Well Doc thank you for your time.”

Austin shook his hand firmly with a smile “I assume you’re not coming back.” Sager said jokingly and Austin nodded.

“You gave me the answer that I needed so thanks.”

            He did feel somewhat better about all the things he thought was wrong with him over the next few days.  But those things that happened at work still went on even if not as bad as the other day.  Something while he was at home made him think especially with him still being single. There was a girl from his past that he had gotten close to who admitted that she liked him but he had not talked to Beth in some time and the last time they hardly even talked but he decided to give it another try. They were in soccer together when they were 10yrs old but lost contact after Austin moved at 13yrs of age. Even though he had not seen her in a long time he still had feelings for her since she was the closet thing to a girlfriend he ever had.  He held the phone nervously in his hand while sitting on his bed trying to think of what he was going to say.  He was a man who could talk your ear off but for some reason the phone made him silent.  He entered the number that he never wrote down but never forgot and waited for that ring. There was no turning back as someone picked up the phone.

“Hello” The female voice said that he did not recognize.

“Hi uhhh… is Beth there?” he said quietly while his nerves wrenched his body during the short pause.

“Yea, hold on” then there was silence and he knew she was about to speak but what was he to say.

“Hello?” he heard a voice that he hardly recognized he heard it so little.

“Hi Beth how are you?” he asked the first thing that came to his mind.

“Fine” she said a bit confused “Who is this?” he chuckled now remembering he had forgotten to introduce himself.

“This is Austin you remember from soccer.”

“Oh hi” she said in a more friendly tone “How are you Austin?”

“Good, good” he paused again while his heart raced and mind could barley think.

“What new with you?” he asked hoping she would talk for a little bit giving him time to get his nerves in order.

“Not much” she said much to his disappointment.

“Come one Beth we hardly talk, been a few years since we last talked to each other.”

“I know I lost your number”

“Oh ok, well how’s school?” he asked know she was a senior and he graduated last year.

“It’s alright” another short and unhelpful response that made him sigh. He was the only one making an effort for an actual conversation which made him think that this was a mistake.

“Well…just calling to see how you were doing.” He sighed again now having no intention to call her again based on her lack of interest in him now. He told her his number one last time though he knew what would happen which was nothing.

“Goodbye Beth sorry to bother you.” He hung up and put the phone down slowly with calmness. He sat on his bed and put his head in his hands and thought of how the only woman to ever show attraction to him was now lost in that hope. He could not help the tears as a few of them slipped past even his mightiest efforts.  This was the last time he would talk to her for she would never call.

            He was twenty years old and many people he worked with had made plans together to see a movie together.  About six other than him self where going to see a movie together in May on a Tuesday to be specific. They agreed to a movie time that was at 3:00pm and they all knew it, Austin as he always did was early so he waited.  It was 2:45 as he sat in the lobby looking out the window waiting patiently.  2:50 still the only one there and he began to think if all the information was correct. He spoke to most of these people the day before to verify the date and time, they all said they would be there so he did not understand their tardiness as the time drew near. Thoughts came to him that there were people in that crowd that would do something so mean as to stand him up on purpose.  2:55 he tried to block the thoughts of them leaving him there on purpose and not wanting to believe it, but he became angry every time he looked at the clock and he soon realized that no one would show. Even after 3:00 passed and the movie was going he still sat there waiting just in case someone, anyone would show up late. Just one person showing up would make him feel like this was not a wasted effort at social interaction.

            He went so far as to walk into the theater where the movie he wanted to see was already playing to see if anyone was there. It was a weekday and only a couple people where in there of whom he did not know.  He was so angry now that so many had let him down he was no longer in the mood for a movie.  He drove home and in that ride his anger turned to sadness at his “friends” letting him down like that and he knew what would happen next time he saw them.  He knew that they would all have their reasons for not showing and some would undoubtedly make fun of him for being there alone. He held back the tears of what was to come this time but he also knew that when he heard these excuses he would not be angry at them anymore. Angry now but he had grown so used to people letting him down like this he was used to it.

            But when he got home he headed up to his room quick as possible with a soda and a snack to sooth his anger. He grabbed his notebook and began to write about his day so it would make him feel better. “I am so tired of being let down by people…” he began to write pressing that pen so hard against the paper that it almost went through. “They say they are my friends but every time I try to be social and have friends outside of work they let me down. But they always have their excuses for doing things that are more important then helping a ‘friend’ who is becoming more anti social as time goes by. I don’t want to hate them but they make me so angry and sad because I am so desperate to have someone to hang out with I try to be social with the very people that make my life hell.” He wiped his eyes from the tears that had been forming as he wrote these words that expressed all the pain in his heart from these people who would call themselves friends. “Why do I even try to feel better when all that happens is that I get hurt?”