D e v a S

I knew it was the right thing to do, but it just didn’t feel right. It almost felt unnatural, like losing an appendage, but by choice instead of sacrifice.

I felt tears rise up behind my closed eyelids. I knew that when I opened them, drops would cascade down my already swollen face.

I could feel him, still in my mind; Trying to find a stray thought that would tell him what he did wrong. He wouldn’t find it…He wouldn’t ever find it, because he hadn’t done anything wrong. I just made it seem like it was the reason.

I wouldn’t be the cause of anymore hurt. Especially his. He was the one who mattered the most, which made this whole departing quite painful.

My body was trembling now.

What is it going to be like? Not seeing him everyday. Not waking up early in the morning just so I could see his completely defenseless form; Something that was never apparent on his conscious face.

Slowly, I felt the connection of our mind stretch and stretch until it was pulled taut from the distance the cab put between us. Then suddenly, I braced myself, holding my knees. I took a deep breath and I welcomed the onslaught of memories he was pushing through the connection in a flurry of emotions

Us laughing in the morning sunlight.

Us dancing in the garden.

Us covered in flour after he decided that baking a cake was too much work.

He was trying to make me REMEMBER, but I had never forgotten. Sobs racked through my body, making me tremble even more than before. Finally, I unlocked the one memory that I had set aside. The one memory that I had kept, up until this moment:

I’m standing in the rain, staring at the lit windows of the clinic. I feel the cold night chill, crawl up my spine. I take a deep breath and open the door. As I walk in, I smell the uncomfortable smell of unfamiliarity. I walk up to the desk and I speak in hushed tones, feeling as though I should whisper even though no one is here to disturb, “Hi, uh, I have an appointment with Dr. Jennings.”

The nurse shuffled some papers out of the way and did some clicking away on her computer.

“Are you Gabriella Lapuino?” She replied.

“Yes.”

“Okay, Dr. Jennings will see you now.”

The nurse led me down the hallway and into a check up room. I sat down on the patient bed and the paper crackled under my weight. I tried to calm my nerves.

But then the door opened, to a young, short woman in a white coat.

“Hello, Gabriella,” Dr. Jennings said as she came into the room. We made the usual small talk and she checked my blood pressure and did all the formalities of a normal check-up.

“So,” she said as she finished, “have you decided what you’re going to do yet?”

“Yes, I’m going to have it,” I boldly replied.

“Gaby, this baby…you won’t survive it. I’m telling you right now, as a friend and a doctor, I don’t think you should do this. Your uterus was damaged in the crash-”

“Will the baby be alright?” I interrupted.

“Yes, but-”

“Then I’m having it.”

The memory faded and i felt his emotions coursing through my body. There was pure joy and there was confusion. He hadn’t been paying much attention to the doctor, he was too preoccupied with the fact that I was carrying his baby.

There was a moment of silence as he was contemplating everything that he had seen.

Why? Why? Why? his words echoed through my head.

…to save my baby

The words finally hit home and then there was only one emotion storming through his veins, sorrow. I felt all of who he was collapse in on himself. He was crying now and with him I began to cry as well. I knew that if I stayed with him he’d choose me over our unborn child. He would want to end the baby’s life if it meant that I could live.

The connection was now only a thin piece of string holding us together.

I love you, Michael.

Then the string snapped and my world was empty.

My life was empty.

I rested my hands on my stomach, protecting the only thing that I was living for.