Then I realize, It isn't a dream.........

I wake up screaming, Sweat pouring down my face.

Then It all comes back to me:

The note, The depression, The hatred, My sorry father that was dead to me, My abusive mother that I lie to everyday, telling her I love her but don't feel a thing for her, My best friend who I haven't seen in feels like years, The lies, The self-respect I yerned for, The self-esteem I never quite had;

IT ALL COMES BACK..

***

I notice I'm not in my room anymore, I'm in a white bed that seemed to roll from place to place.

WAiT A MiNUTE, I'm in the hospital.

How did I get here?

Who did this?

No one was home, last time I remembered.. When I was awake??

Confused by all the questions, I gently lift my head from the white, soft pillow from underneath me.

I hear whispering.

They seem to be about.. Me!!

But why?; Why was everybody caring now? Why didn't they pay attention before I did this to myself??....

BASTORDS.

They don't care about me, They are just here to see me suffer.

Hoping the thumping in my chest WOULD STOP, The air I take into my body, To not come out.

I soon, feel light-headed, like air was being sucked into my head.

I can't feel my arms or legs, They're... Burning.

SCORCiNG.

Burning me from the inside out, like something is pinching inside or biting??

I ask myself as I start to choke on air; Something closing in my throat; taking less air by the minute.

iS THiS REALiTY  OR JUST ANOTHER DREAM?

iT MUST BE REAL. iT GOT TO BE.

How could it not?

I feel something cold touch my chest.

It moves to the middle; It dabbs into my skin, It feels like I had cut myself in the gut but It was happening by stabbing into and past, The three layers of skin that stretched to protect my insides from getting ripped to streds, That wouldn't rot from dirt, and things from getting inside it.

Something plastic, rounded like a big straw.

Goes into the bloody gash, into the middle of my lungs, underneath my rib cage, through my lungs, to be in fact. Cold crisp oxygen blows from the end, filling my lungs with it.

I can breathe again.

But wait, what about the burning?

My nerves itched from the boiling heat that was burning me.. Killing me.

"Just kill me now!" I thought to myself.

But I couldn't move my lips. It was too painful to speak. I didn't mind, I was dying all over... AGAiN.

A few seconds later...

FLASH

I'm at the gates with my sis and cousin again.

Maybe this time.. It WiLL be REAL. And I am free from my pain. And It isn't a dream. And I'll be here forever.

Maybe dying was such a bad thing.. A GOOD THiNG ACTUALLY. I was afraid of death when I was alive. What would happen. But I'm here. REALLY HERE. Experiencing it. I am standing right here. Not taking a breath, Which that I don't need. Or hearing a thump, Every second. Which I would never hear again. Or experience. I wonder if I will miss that. The old things that I had in everyday life. But that's the least of my worries. I'm with my big sis again. Her smile that I haven't seen in four months. Or her laugh. I missed deeply. Or her hugs. Her big hugs. That I had gotten everyday. Or her scent. That filled the air. But was left on her clothes. When the missing got real bad, I went into her old room, And sat on her bed. And cried alone for hours. Cried myself to sleep. Sometimes. Wishing she was still there with me, But I knew she was watching over me now.

I'm tired of just standing here. Thinking.

So I run over to her, And give her the biggest bear hug, I had ever given her. She laughs. She said she missed me, Oh so much. And that she cried with me, Even though I couldn't hear her. I look at her. She still had the scent she had when she was alive. She still laughed the same way. Her smile. Though. Had grown bigger. I waited so long to see her again. Four months felt like, YEARS. In my world.

I look over at my cousin and smile. He has a tear in his eye. Because he said he missed me and that he was so happy to see me again. So oboviously, I run over and hug him. He smiles real big. Pouches me on my shoulder, Like he use to do when we played around. We must have been real bored back then.

So it's just the three of us. Waiting at the gates. Like they had waited for me that day. Wondering when Mom was coming home. Watching her. And the rest of the family. Day by day, Year by year, We wait.