Reckless

I tried to remain calm as the green dots scattered across the screen.  As always however, my pulse jumped.  Who would get out this time?  All?  None?  There was nothing more that I could do, "Go to the left," my breath had whipped out on the command. If they listened they listened, there was nothing more I could do.  I knew this, and yet, I couldn't stop the guilt.  But, then I was the best that could be called in for this.  It was what I was best at, maybe it goes back as far as my father.  He would run in a circle backwards to avoid conflict.  He must've been the one who taught me, the one who taught me to run.

I could hear the birds flying by my open window, their wings beat heavily against the wind, fighting to keep them airborn.  I somewhat longed to be with them and away from this shitty motel room.  The one that had rat nawed holes halfway up the curtains, with patches of floor showing through the old puke inducing carpet, a bed that groaned like a dying man, and a sink that ran murky green water.  I also did not want to be with them because after tomorrow, all this pressure would be off and I could relax for a few days.  God, how I lived for those days, when I could sleep. Sleep, such a foreign concept at this moment, it was literally forty minutes away from sunrise.  My body was stiff from sitting in the chair that had long ago lost any comfort, I hadn't moved in seven hours.  I live in a pattern, if I'm working I sleep as little as possible. For one thing, it's a waste of my time, and I can't watch my own back if my eyes are closed.  I don't have a partner, I can't deal with people drama.  You can never trust what someone is going to do, even if you know that person inside and out, even if they're your own mother.  You can still never know.  There is no single way to predict human action, we are imperfect creatures.  Even if one action is more logical, more right, more sensible the friggin idiot may not choose it.  The romantic concept is that you can trust people.  When you meet the right person and learn to trust everything will work out okay.  That's bullshit.  There is only one person that you can trust in this world, one person you can trust with your life, and that's me.  What, you bought that?  Then you are an idiot, please stop reading now.  No, the one person you can trust absolutely is you.  No one else, not your boyfriend, not your BFF, especially not family.  If you want to close your eyes, then please believe all the blood is thicker than water propaganda.

Let me tell you from personal experience that there are many, many things that are in fact thicker than blood.  Such as money, oil, bullets, knives, and concrete walls.  As far as the whole 'One day I'll meet my soul mate and I'll be able to trust him with anything,' I don't believe it.  The male gender as a whole does not impress me.  They're gross, do women walk around scratching their crotches?  Not unless they have an issue, a really big one. Sloppy is the second strike, how do they expect to get anywhere if they only shower once a week?  I guess that would still be gross, but I'm getting off topic.  I know that there are some of you guys out there that for some reason don't like to bathe, you know what? I do not even want to know why.  I guess you're wondering what inspired this rant, well.  It has a lot to do with my profession, when you think of my career, you don't think woman.  Stupid movies. There are alot of us out there, and though I wouldn't trust them, I will stand up for them.  So, trust, it's an issue.  Would I like to trust someone else? You've no idea how wonderful that would be, or how stupid.  If I knew that they would only do what I would do in a situation, then I suppose it would work, but, do you see what I'm trying to say?  There is not one person out there that would do exactly as I would, not in every single situation.  They do not exist. I guess this outlook makes me seem a bit unstable.  That's not the case, and no, I'm not in denial.  I've been doing what I do for a long time, and many of my lessons were hard learned.  Trust, it's not a gift certificate to hand to people.  It's the thing that can save your life, if it's in your hands.  So, don't trust me, even though I know exactly what I'm talking about.  The reason I know?  Let me introduce myself, my name is Tanya, and I'm an special ops agent.

The minute the sun cracked the horizon I let myself stand and stretch.  Night officially over, I could freshen up and head out.  By head out I mean prepare my kit and get to the pre-arranged location.  After a brief stop in the bathroom that sent the cockroaches scurrying I sat at the small table with my gun case on top of it.  Opening the two latches on either side of the handle I breathed deeply.  One thing that I depended to never change was my gun.  It is my baby, I love it from the muzzle to the polished handle.  I could tell you what type of gun it is and its exact measutments, but that's a waste of time.  If a gun is dependable, its dependable.  Product advirtisement is not the most important thing when gun shopping, trust me.  The most expensive is not always the best, and you can't trust a gun by how shiny it is. Again, to talk about how far off base the movies are, you don't want a gun that's very loud.  In all the action sequences it's all KA-BLAM! BOOM! BOOM! That's not what you want.  Not only will you blow out a few eardrums, including your own, you'll draw some major attention.  With a nice quiet gun, most people will fool themselves into thinking that it's a different noise.  Fireworks, or a tire blowing out.  You would be surprised how much people are willing to delude themselves if they can belive in the rainbows in life.  I was never one of those people.  Even as a child I realized that bad things do indeed happen, even to good people.  I never felt the invincibility of a teenager, that devil may care attitude.  I was always ever so cautious.  Today, things are a little different, I take risks.  But only if I can sacrifice everything.  If it's not worth it, I won't do it.  That's the bottom line, my one rule.  Weigh the risks, take the bet, only if you're willing to loose.