When He Turned *20*

I wait several moments for him to pass me and only then do I move for the sanctuary of my room. I try to ignore the sound of hushed voices, the opening and shutting of doors. In the end I turn on my headphones, volume much higher than normal. I press my fingers against my eyelids, willing it all away. Slowly I have to wonder whether or not I understand Delia now more than ever. Did I still have Penn? Or had I pushed him too far? In a sudden fury I rip the headphones from my ears and stumble to the door. I run flat out for the front door, spilling into the snow outside to view an empty driveway. They were gone, I was too late. Too late and the desolation immediately swept over me. It was like every happy thing that I had ever known was sucked right out of me, out of the bottoms of my feet and into the ground below. Gone from me forever. I manage to remain still for only a matter of seconds before I am once again in motion. Hands fumble against solid objects and I can't fully understand what I'm doing. Running is all that I know. It's not fast enough, I stumble and fall into the ice. So cold, too cold. Burning, I am burning. Burning nothing. I am nothing.

A flurry of motion that I can't understand. I am pulled up, out of the warmth.
"Jesus Cadence! What are you doing?" The ground is shaking, moving. No, I am. Arms wrap around me and after some time I can move my lips again. "How did you find me?"
"Cadence, you're my heart. I'll always know where you are."
"What happened?" I hear myself ask.
"I'm not sure. I think that I finally pushed you too far."
"What do you mean?" I ask frowning.
"This is hardly normal behavior."
"I don't know what's happening to me. I just know that I'm sorry for what I said. I was just hurt that you didn't trust me with Delia, I didn't mean it. I'm glad you're here," I finally murmured.
"We should get you into some dry clothes," he said. I could hear it, the solid disconnection. What we were was gone.

Back inside I manage to change into comfy clothes without crying. I don't regret...I just, fear. What's to happen to us now? Would I turn into another Delia? Everyone around me trying to help fix me? I couldn't let that happen. I would go away I decided suddenly, rashly. I didn't care what I had to do, use all my savings, or just run away. I would start fresh and I could tell people that it wasn't safe for me to touch others. Perhaps I could just stay on the move, doing odd jobs or something. A knock sounds at the door,
"Cadence, I can almost hear you freaking out, what are you thinking?"
"Nothing," I say, the mask of the door making it so easy to lie.
"Will you promise me something?" I hesitate, I shouldn't, but I don't know if I can deny him anything.
"What?"
"Will you give me some time to figure out what to do with Delia? Before you do something stupid?"
"Hey!"
"I'm sorry, something else stupid?"
"Why do I need to give you time?"
"Because we need to figure us out. This isn't the end for us, you know that as well as I do." I pull open the door and look up to meet his eyes.
"Do I?" As if in answer he tilts his head to mine, lips connecting softly. I pull away while I'm still able to. "I suppose I already knew that. What's your plan, exactly?"
"I don't know. I need to sleep on it."
"Where are you sleeping?" I ask, looking to the floor.
"Is that an invitation?" I bite my lip in sudden indecision.
"What if it was?"
"Then I think that I have to say that I'm sorry too. I have a bit of a big brother complex with Delia. I wouldn't trust Jesus with her."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"A little."
"If you need a place to sleep, you're welcome here," I say going through the door and climbing into my bed. Maybe everything would be more clear in the morning. If not, well, we could go from there.

I wake with a slight start in the morning, aware of Penn in very close proximity. Also aware of the fact that I don't want to wake him up. Because when I do that then everything bad that happened is right there, front and center. Right now, I can enjoy him. He sighs quietly and I know that he's awake as well. Could I feign sleep, well enough to escape his notice? No. His fingers drift across my forehead, sweeping away some hair.
"Morning," His voice is purely nuetral, how hard did he have to work to make it so?
"Come to any great realizations during the night?" I ask after a moment.
"Yes. I do trust you Cadence, you must believe that. Would I ever have told you with my darkest secret if I didn't? Or even brought Delia to your house?"
"I guess not," I allow.
"So, if you know that, then what is our problem?" he asks gently, fingers circling and intwining over mine. I close my eyes and sigh at the same moment.
"Our problem is that I am a gigantic idiot."
"I wouldn't say gigantic..."
"Well thanks,"
"So, if I have this correct, then you are saying that we don't have any problems?"

"Not us directly. No."
"That's good news. The best I've heard in a long while."
"Unless you have anything that you'd like to mention at this point," I tease pulling his arms around me.
"Only if you have a problem with shedding."
"Wait, what? You never mentioned shedding," I say, pulling back slightly.
"Oh, I didn't? I was sure I had..." his voice takes on a teasing tone and I punch his side with my free hand.
"Not funny, that's going to give me nightmares."
"Aww, well I'll be right here when you wake up screaming,"
"Hm, just what every little girl wants to hear when she falls in love."
"You're the only one that I care about falling in love."
"How sweet,"
"Am I forgiven?" he asks pulling my hand to his lips.
"If I am."
"Good, my heart is intact, now we just have to figure out what to do with Delia." I groaned aloud. "No, no I think that you were on to something. I'm too close to her. She needs someone that will give her a little kick in the butt. Maybe you two should go another round." An idea so sudden strikes that I shoot upright out of his arms. "What is it?"
"I have an idea. I think that I'm too close to her too, but I may have the perfect replacement."

"Hello?"
"Matthew?"
"Yes?"
"It's Cadence. I know that you didn't have any way to help me, but I do have someone else in mind."
"You're not having any trouble with that boyfriend of yours?"
"No, but you did tell me to call if I needed anything. That time has come."