[Heartbreak] There's No Lucifer

     Lucifer. It’s a trans-gender name, you know? Lucy for a girl, and Lou for a boy. We were only kidding, of course. We were only trying to make light of a terrible situation. I mean, who would consciously name there baby Lucifer?
     A baby. Our baby. And we were going to name it after a demon. I could already tell, we were going to be horrible parents. I was going to be a terrible mother. We can barely take care of ourselves, how can we take care of a baby?
     Where’s it going to sleep? Are we ever going to be able to sleep again? How will we pay for it? How will we take care of it? All these questions without answers, problems without solutions.
     So it’s probably a really good thing that I’m not pregnant. The test was negative, my doctor told me. At that moment, my heart stopped and I thought, there’s no Lucifer.
     So why am I sad? Why do I feel like I‘ve lost a part of myself? A part that I didn‘t want in the first place.
     I had myself completely convinced that I had this little life inside of me, a part of a person who I love more then anything else in this world. But it‘s gone. It never existed.