I am not the system

Lost in the darkness, tied in chains, no light, no noise, to keep my mind from wondering. Fact and fantasy merged into one mass of thought, dominating my conscious and subconscious mind. They had come for me, that much is certain. In a wave of fury I had been stolen from my last place of public contact. Shoved into a blacked out car I was taken to this darkness. Where? I don’t know. How long have I been here? I cannot recall. They feed me their so called balanced diet once a day to keep me alive, just.

Too weak to scream.

Too strong to perish.

 Tortured by my own humiliation. I long ago gave up hope of redemption. I will never be correct as my captors call it. I wish I was, I wish I was. Please correct me.

“Samantha Harris” Their voice cut through the dark silence.

 “Yes” I muttered with the shadowed voice I had left.

“Are we the system?”

“Yes” I replied

“Are you the system?”

“No” I mumbled, close to tears.

“You have not reached redemption”

“Sorry.”

The same words were said, routinely and they would be said until I had been corrected. But that would never come; I would never be the system.

I always knew they would come for me one day; I kept out of the darkness for longer than most with wrong thoughts. But they always came in the end. I knew I was wrong but I couldn’t help it. Subconscious opinions kept me too aware of how corrupted the system was, of how many lies they fed us. We were supposed to believe everything they said. But I didn’t, I believed nothing. I used to hate the system, but now I only hate myself. I hate myself with everything I still have. All I have now is the system, and the system hates me.

“I’m sorry!” I shouted as loud as I could muster. “I believe in the system but I can never be it. Please, just let me go.” I willed for a reply but no booming voice touched me in the darkness. No words redeemed me. I am not what they want.

“Samantha Harris”

 “Yes”

“Are we the system?”

“Yes”

“Are you the system?”

“No I cannot be” I whispered despair ripping through my words making them razor sharp, cutting into my mind, finally sending me insane.

I am not the system. I am but one individual, alone in nothing, supported by nothing, remembered for nothing.