The Land of Testrifficdor [5]

The morning after the gladiator fight, Puffdaddypuff woke up once again in shitty little Britainford.

“Fuck!” he thought to himself. “How the hell did I end up back here?”

Last night slowly came back to him. He remembered leaving the stadium a happy man, having finally been entertained by something other than the rat-sex he watched while trying to fall asleep in his Britainford cottage every other night. Afterwards, he decided he’d go hit the hottest clubs in town. He truly loved America now, and didn’t see why all the people of Britainford hated it so much. This place was great!

After a night of dancing with hot American girls and over-dosing on coffee and booze, Puffdaddypuff was found passed out in the girls bathroom with his wallet (that had nothing in it anyway) gone and a pair of red, silk panties on his head.

How he ended up back in Britainford, Puff didn’t know, but what he did know was that he desperately wanted to go back to America and live there for ever and ever. He got up out of his “bed” of straw and decided to run away all the way back to America right that instant.

Leaving his house, he ran as fast as he could toward the town gates (for the town was walled, you see, as many shitty little British towns were known to be). Upon arriving, he attempted to run through, but was tackled by the town guard.

“No leaving Britainford!” said the guard, still pinning Puff down to the ground.

“But why?” asked Puff, even though his lungs were being crushed by the heavy weight of his attacker.

“Because nobody ever leaves Britainford and lives!!” said the guard dramatically.

“But Natt just left last week!” exclaimed Puff. The guard pretended he did not hear him and threw him back behind the city gates.

“No leaving!” he shouted. Puff got upon his knees and begged the guard to let him go.

“Please sir! How do I get out of this god-forsaken cesspool?”

“Only people who get express permission from the Devil are allowed to leave!” said the guard, shutting the gates and going back to his post. “Now get out of my sight or it’s off with your head!”

So Puff decided to go seek out the devil of Testrifficdor, who was known to dwell there in Britainford. He approached the town square, where there stood a gallows and a large statue of some unknown British asshole. Puff picked a stick up from the ground, and held it to the statue.

“Almora Diablum!” shouted Puff, and the statue sprang aside to reveal a trapdoor. Opening it to find a staircase, Puff descended into the deep depths of Testrifficdor hell, conveniently located right beneath Britainford. Reaching the bottom, he continued through the large stone doors to find Toxin299 sitting there on his devilish throne with his minions, Youngkingg and Huron, on either side.

“We’ve been expecting you Puffdaddypuff!” said Toxin in his booming devilish voice.

“Please Mr. Devil, help me escape from Britainford once and for all!” begged Puff. The Huron and Youngkingg just laughed.

“Alright, I shall aid you in your quest. But you must complete three tasks for me!” said the Devil.

“Oh come on, really?” said Puff, disappointed at the obvious cliché. “Couldn’t you just let me go?”

“I like you Puff, so I shall only make you do one task,” said the Devil. “Bring me the head of an Aussie, and I shall let you leave!”

“Where the fuck am I going to find an Aussie in this shitty little town?” asked Puff.

“Exactly,” chuckled the Devil as his minions collapsed in laughter. Puff left Hell an angry Brit, but he supposed he would try to find an Aussie somewhere. It was better that his regular job.

After Puff had left, the Devil decided that he did, in fact, like Puff. “Why shouldn’t he get to live a better life?” he asked himself.

“KIRKME!” he yelled to his servant. Kirkme scurried into the chamber and knelt before her master.

“What can I do for you, my lord?” she asked, her head down.

“Bring me Aaron!” commanded the devil.

“Why, master? What has Aaron done now?” asked Kirkme.

“Oh shut up and do your job!” said the Devil. Of all the testrifficdorians to damn to hell, Stitchchick just had to give him the most annoying one. Kirkme left the chamber and went into the depths of hell to fetch Aaron. She came back with him a minute later.

“You’re free to go,” said Toxin to Aaron.

“But I’m dead!” said Aaron. “Where the fuck am I going to go? Heaven?”

“Yea right,” muttered the Devil to himself, then looking back at Aaron. “Your body has been restored to its living state. Just go up the steps there and you’re free.”

So Aaron ran up the steps to his freedom, but, upon reaching the trapdoor and stepping into fresh (or as fresh as it got in that shithole) air, he was disappointed to find himself in the cesspool of filth and decay that was Britainford. With a loud “Fuck!”, Aaron headed toward the town gates to go back to his life in Aussieville.

Yet, at that very moment, Puffdaddypuff came around the corner. “An Aussie!” he thought, and ran at Aaron with the large axe he had picked up at the blacksmith’s. Before Aaron could let out another “Fuck!” his head was severed from his body. Puff picked up the head and headed back into Hell, leaving the body to rot on the cobbled street.

“Here you go!” he said to the Devil, throwing the head down before him. “Now let me leave!”

“Very good!” exclaimed the Devil as he produced a note out of thin air and handed it to Puff. “Here, this will let you get past the guard.”

Excited, Puff ran out of Hell, out onto the streets of Britainford, and toward the gates once again. Suddenly, before he got half way, a realization hit him. He had left Britainford yesterday to go to America with no problem! He continued to the gates and confronted the guard he had met earlier in the day.

“What the fuck man!?” he exclaimed, shoving the guard so hard that his helmet fell off. But this guard was not a he, for it was Sloanly who just laughed and pointed.

“I was just fuckin’ with ya, man!” she said, now doubled over in silent giggles.

“Fuck everyone!” swore Puff madly, and stomped out of Britainford.