The Land of Testrifficdor [6]

Toxin was upset today. He had just come back from a meeting with Stitchchick where the two decided who, of the two testrifficdorians who had died that week, would go to heaven and who would go to hell. Unfortunately for Toxin, the two deaths had been those of October and Stuswamp. Three guesses for who Testrifficdor’s poor Evil overlord got.

The little tranny was banished to the seventh layer of hell (also known as Mississippi), and Toxin sat on his throne with his head in his hands.

To cheer himself up, he decided to torture Aaron some more and had Kirkme summon him into the chamber. Aaron looked  disgruntled as well. The Devil would just not leave him alone!

“I’m bored,” Toxin said to Aaron. “So I’ve decided I want to watch you die again. Have fun!”

Before Aaron could reply, Toxin snapped his fingers and Aaron disappeared.

Aaron awoke in a humid forest, surrounded by trees (obviously) and weird noises. “Fuck!” he exclaimed, as he got up and walked through the woods, trying his best not to get killed… again.

It was a bright and sunny day in America, and a many people decided to languish in the city’s public park. On one bench sat JWalker, who was having a lovely conversation with Musey about the wonders of horses and winged octopi. On another lay Speederspider sleeping in the midday sun, although looking slightly like a hobo. All was happy and cheery. But suddenly, Shawnie sat up on her beach towel that was sprawled over the lush park grass.

“I smell spam!” she said and looked around. Sure enough, Max was walking down the path handing out newspapers. As he threw one at a sleeping RonHouse, someone shouted out to him.

“We don’t need your damn spam! Go away!” said the unknown, probably unimportant testrifficdorian.

“There’s actual news today, you douchebags!” said Max. “And it’s important! Now read damnit!”

JWalker and Musey halted their conversation and held the newspaper between them, reading the headline.

Trouble in the south! Diplomat Doug sent to help.

Below that, the article went on for pages and pages, but of course, nobody in testrifficdor actually had the patience or the attention span to read it all, so the journalists usually summarized the main ideas in the first paragraph.

Down in the South, violence erupted today. Bodies were found hanging from trees, some badly burnt, some even reduced to skeletons. The cause for this is unknown, but the KKK are said to be suspects in these lynchings. The victims are as follows: WTFWJD2, Missy4184 (aka Alyssa), and Bowzlady1. Thugnastay has agreed to go down to the South and negotiate with the leader of the KKK to stop these killings.

Meanwhile, in Queen Becky’s palace, Becky, Doug, and Krysti were discussing what to do.

“I’m telling you, Doug, it’s a bad idea to go down there!” said Krysti.

“But I have to,” said Doug valiantly. “The safety of many a testrifficdorian is at stake!”

“There’s a reason I left Misery…I mean Missouri, and…” said Krysti. “Just don’t go Doug! It’s dangerous!”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I can use Dashboardlogic’s place as a base. She lives down there, ya know?” said Doug confidently. What could really go wrong? Was the south really that bad?

“Well Doug, good luck to you,” said Becky. “But come back alive, please. I can’t have AlexINTJ do all my diplomatic negotiating. She may just smart everyone to death.”

With a salute to his queen, Doug left the table to go and prepare for his journey.

A day later, Thugnastay found himself in the Deep South, surrounded by scary sounds and wild angry-looking forest. After spending the night at Dashboardlogic’s house, he continued on his quest in search of the dreaded KKK. He passed many a tree with a rope hanging off it. The closer he got, the more ropes there were, some with bodies still hanging, and some with nothing, for the bodies have rotted away and fallen back down to the ground long ago.

Before he reached the KKK though, Doug stumbled upon a small log cabin. Hungry and tired, he knocked at the door. After a minute, LoveOfTheSouth answered.

“Why Hello there darlin’! How may I be of service?” she said in a thick southern accent.

“I’m sorry Miss, but I’ve been walking all day. I was wondering if you could provide me with a bite to eat or something to drink?” asked Doug.

“Why of course child! Come on in!” said LoveOfTheSouth, beckoning Doug into her cabin. “What would ya like? I gots me some butter, some mayonnaise, some squirrel chili, and some fresh apple pie!”

“Anything’s fine,” said Doug, slightly repulsed by the list of food. He remembered that he didn’t trust southern cooking very much, especially after dining at Dash’s house last night.

“Well I’ll just make you somethin’ special! We don’t get many guests ‘round here! It’d be a pleasure to cook for ya!”

So LoveOfTheSouth took everything she had in her refrigerator, or cooler rather, and started chopping away at it with a knife.

“Bless your heart, child! You must be so hungry!” she said as she added four sticks of butter and a jar of mayonnaise to the concoction. Just looking at the “food”, Doug wanted to vomit. LoveOfTheSouth finished her whatever-it-was and slopped it onto a plate, pushing it towards Doug along with a glass of iced tea, that looked browner than tea should. Doug took one bite, and felt his stomach groan with displeasure.

“Where’s your bathroom?”  he asked.

“Bathroom? We do our business outside here, child!” said LoveOfTheSouth, pointing her finger out the door. Doug ran outside and did his “business” behind a bush, as the diarrhea flooded BuNnYoo7’s little rabbit hole.

Not even bothering to go back, Doug continued toward finding the KKK. The sooner he got out of this horrible, horrible part of Testrifficdor, the better.

The sun was setting, and the woods became darker with every step Doug took. Scared out of his wits already, he began to hear noises coming from ahead.

“Almost there!” he exclaimed as he ran forward. Soon, he saw a light ahead, but that wasn’t any electrical light, it was a fire, and a big one at that. Slowing down, Doug approached with caution. He hid behind a large boulder on the edge of the clearing where the fire roared.

A group of people in white KKK uniforms were dancing in circles around it. Doug was horrified to see the fire was a burning cross, and who was there but Aaron, screaming and being burned to a crisp as CluCluxKaren led the KKK members in a loud Latin chant.

“I’m getting out of here!” thought Doug as he ran off into the dark forests of the Deep South.