Suspended (part 8)

Hayley felt a hand on her arm, waking her from sleep. She turned toward the touch and opened her eyes, expecting Dr. Robertson to be sitting next to her, but she started with surprise seeing her mother sitting in a chair next to her bed.

“Honey. Oh, honey you’re awake.” Her mother spoke to her with caring in her voice, a genuine look of concern etched into her eyes.

“Mom.” Hayley spoke the words quietly, feeling an odd sensation of déjà vu. The image of her dead baby from the dream flashed before her eyes, and she felt her heart quicken. “How did you get here?”

“Oh, we saw your picture on the news, and then the police called once you gave them your name. It’s so good to see you honey. How have you been?” Her mother voice remained soft and breathy, almost as if she spoke with a full voice Hayley would break.

Hayley inwardly laughed at the question. How little her mother knew her. She decided to play it safe and be vague. “Ok. I’m a little achy, but not too bad.”

“Well that’s good.”

“Yeah.” Hayley expected her mom to say something else, but she stopped and an awkward silence ensued. In an attempt to mask the wide gulf between them Hayley changed the subject. “So how has Dad been?”

“Oh, just fine. He’s been very busy at the office, but he comes home when he can.” A tinge of sadness clung to the words, and Hayley began to wonder just how much her mother had hid from her over the years about her parent’s relationship.

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

Hayley began to feel annoyed with her mother for being so stoic and no communicative. He was her daughter after all; didn’t she have anything to say to her? Staring at her mom, she thought of all the stress she had put her through, and felt a prick of guilt. She nervously glanced away before softly mumbling. “I’m sorry about all of this Mom. I know this has probably been hard on you.”

“It’s not so bad. But I’m glad to hear you’re sorry. I knew you would realize how foolish all of this was.”

Hayley felt taken aback by her mother’s comment. She didn’t even understand what she was trying to say. She might be sorry about disappointing her, but that didn’t’ mean she regretted all of it. “Foolish?” She spoke the words quietly, incredulous.

Her mother continued to speak, barely acknowledging Hayley’s comment. “I’m so glad you’ve come back to us Hayley. I just knew this was one of those phases of yours. Remember when you were twelve and decided you wanted to become a minister? Of course you realized how silly that was when I explained to you that girls don’t become ministers; that’s a sin.”

“Uh huh.” Hayley didn’t quite know what to say.

She remembered that. She had gone to church camp for the first time that year, and the speaker had talked about hearing from God. At the end of the service, the worship leader playing music in the background, the speaker encouraged each of the campers to listen for God’s voice. Haley felt a little strange about it since it was something she hadn’t really tried before, but she closed her eyes and hummed along with the music, listening for God’s voice. A picture flashed into her mind of what appeared to be herself as an adult standing behind a pulpit preaching, then she heard the words, “Hayley, feed my sheep,” and it almost seemed audible, it was so intense. She felt tears spring at her eyes, as she realized he had just heard from God, and on her first try. He wanted her to be a pastor. She felt a sense of calm wash over her, and a small laugh escaped her lips. A sense of purpose and wonder filled her as the service ended.

Later on that night, she told her camp counselor, who seemed very pensive about the whole experience, and when she came home at the end of the week and told her parents, her mother seemed almost disturbed by her daughter’s insistence that God told her to become a minister. She immediately set her down, and showed her several verses in the Bible which implied the banning of women ministers, and although Hayley felt confident about her experience at first, she began to doubt it until the memory of that time began to fade away. That was the first and last time she had ever tried to hear from God personally. From that time on, she relied on others to guide her steps, and up until a few months ago, it had always seemed to work for her. Maybe her mother was right, maybe this was something just as silly as God telling her to become a woman minister and she was stupid for trying to change things.

“Oh, and I brought someone to see you. I’m sure you’ll be glad to see him.” Her mother said, her mood continuing brighten. “Derek, come in, Hayley’s awake.”

Hayley took a sharp breath in, anger rising within her. What did he want with her? “No mom, it’s ok, I don’t—” But she stopped mid-sentence for Derek was already striding into the room. “Hi Derek.” She spoke the words with false cheerfulness.

“Hi Hayley.” Derek said quietly. He had a strange look on his face that Hayley couldn’t quite place. It seemed like a mix between longing and anger.

“Well, I think I’m going to grab something to eat down at the cafeteria real quick, I’ll be back later. You two just enjoy each other’s company while I’m gone.” Hayley’s mom said as she rose from her chair and quietly exited the room, leaving Hayley alone with Derek.

Derek clasped Hayley’s hand as he situated himself in the chair by her bed. “How are you feeling, Hayley?”

“So Margaret said you called. Did you ever get my message?” Derek spoke the words as he stared into her, making her feel uncomfortable.

“No.” She lied, not feeling like explaining why she didn’t call back. “My phone died.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Hayley said and then continued, “Why was Margaret at your house?”

“I guess she’s going through some financial difficulty, and so I hired her part-time to clean my house. I gave her a key, so she can clean when I’m not there since she has a busy schedule.”

“Okay.”

“Why did you want to know?”

“I was just surprised when she answered. Is she still engaged to Pastor Mark?”

“Yes, they’re going to get married March 5, I believe.”

“That’s nice.”

Derek nodded his head, and Hayley felt a strange disappointment in his demeanor.

“Is something wrong, Derek?”

Derek shot a surprised look at her for a moment before his face became placid once again. After several moments he spoke, a harsh intensity to the words. “I heard your mother say you were coming back.” He grabbed her hand, this time not letting her hand go, and stared her in the eyes. “Oh, Hayley, take me back. Come back to the ministry. I’ll forgive you for everything. I know the…the baby isn’t mine, but I’ll claim him as my own, and then you can join the leadership in the discipleship ministry. I’m the director right now, and so you can help me. We can get married right away, and if anyone asks we’ll just say you were sick because of the baby and had to go away for awhile. See, everything will be just perfect.”

Hayley paused, feeling the pull to just simply go back to what she used to know. It would be so simple; it was what she had been doing her whole life. It was an easy way to make reparations with her family and old friends and even God. She opened her mouth, preparing to accept his offer, to go back to her old life and forget about all the nagging questions she had been asking the last few months, and especially the last few days, but she found herself rejecting it entirely. “That’s a very appealing offer, Derek. As much as I would love to live under your shadow, and help you head up a program in a church, when what I’ve always wanted to do is lead it myself; as much as I would love lying to everyone for the rest of my life, and living with a man I don’t love and I don’t think I ever did; as much as all of that sounds appealing, I think I’m going to have to say no.”

“No?” Derek looked at her, stunned as his hand slipped from hers.

“No. I can’t do that anymore. I’m finished. I told you that before. Our whole relationship you controlled me, and led me along, and I let you. I was used to being walked over, and told I was incapable of making my own decisions, but I can’t do that anymore. I’ve spent the last three months hiding. From you, my mother, my problems, God, but most of all myself, because I was too afraid of what I would find. Well, now I’m ready to look, and you know what? I think I like what I see. I like doing what I want, and not being afraid every second of offending someone else. I guess it’s time for me to grow up.” Hayley felt the impulse to look down, but knew it would only ruin the effectiveness of her statement, and so she held his gaze. He held a look of wonder in his eyes, staring back at her for several seconds until he looked away, breaking the connection.

“Is that what you really want? You’ll go to Hell, you know that right? You’re a sinner, a worthless degenerate without me, you’ll regret this. Just you wait and see.” Derek jumped up from his chair, pushing it back in anger as he did so. It tipped back and clattered to the floor, causing Hayley to startle. “I was being generous to you, and this is how you repay me, just throw it back in my face? You’re nothing but a whore. I should have known that when you seduced me that night in my house.”

“I seduced you?” Hayley sat up in bed, anger rising within her, matching Derek’s intensity. “You practically raped me. I didn’t want to do that, I didn’t think it was right. I only did it because you wanted to and I was afraid to say no. So don’t you go blaming that night on me. That was all you.”

“Lies. All lies. You’re nothing but an evil temptress. I hope to never see you again.”

“Well good because I don’t want to see you either. Good bye, Derek.” Hayley said as she clutched the blankets, feeling about ready to jump off the bed and punch him in the face.

“Good bye.” Derek yelled back, turned away from her and stormed from the room.

As Derek left, Hayley’s mother came rushing in. “I forgot my purse so I had to come back and saw Derek leaving. What happened? Why did Derek go rushing off?”

“He didn’t like what I had to say.” Hayley said, beginning to calm down from the angry outburst.

“Well what did you say?” She demanded, clearly angry.

“I was tired of groveling and being afraid of others. I’m not going to be his, or anyone else’s slave.”

“No one ever said you were a slave. What are you talking about?”

Hayley sighed. “Nothing.”

“Nothing? This doesn’t sound like nothing.”

“Mom, I would explain it, but you wouldn’t understand. I just want you to know, that even though I’m not going back to the church like you hoped, I do love you, ok.”

“But just a few minutes ago you said you were. I don’t get it.”

“I know. I didn’t even say that, you just assumed it because I didn’t contradict you. Well I’m tired of not speaking up. And I don’t want to go back. I can’t live in the past, hoping to make things what they once were. I can’t do that, not even if I wanted to. And to just try would end in failure.” Hayley paused to take a deep breath, her voice softening. “It’s time I started deciding things for myself instead of just relying on others. And that includes you, Mom.”

Hayley touched her mother’s arm, looking for understanding, but she jerked away. Her eyes flared and she took a step back. “You ungrateful little…How dare you do this to me. Nobody is an island, Hayley. Do you think you can do this on your own, all by your little lonesome? You could never do anything alone, you always needed help with everything.”

“No Mom, I didn’t, and I don’t now. You’re just angry. If you just calm down you’ll understand what I’m trying to say.”

“Oh really, and what are you trying to say?”

“That this doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you again or anything. I just mean I need to be independent. Find out for myself who I am.”

“What this little stunt with the car, going with that strange man, almost getting yourself killed, that’s what you prefer? Or perhaps you would rather go sleeping around with more church members instead.”

“No Mom, I didn’t—”

But she cut her off and continued to speak. “Well you just go right on and keep messing up your life. But don’t come crying to me when things don’t turn out the way you want.” And with that, her mother grabbed her maroon leather purse and turned to leave.

“No Mom, wait…” Hayley said, tears stinging her eyes.

She turned back around, venom in her gaze. “I’m done with trying to help you child. I do all I can for you and this is the thanks I get. Well you aren’t the only one that’s done then. Goodbye.” Before Hayley could protest any further, she left, slamming the door shut behind her.

“Wait…” Hayley spoke the word into the empty air, disappointment clutching at her heart. “I guess that didn’t go as well as planned.”

This isn’t going to be easy, is it? Hayley lay back down on the bed and curled up on her side, a heavy sensation settling within her. Despite the fact that a part of her knew she had done the right thing, in that moment all she wanted to do was run down the hall, find her mother and ask for forgiveness.