scarred recollection

I got out of my chair to walk out the door, but I felt a hard tug from behind on my hair. When I turned around I could see the anger in her face. What happened next I still regret. I swung my hand up and punched her in the face. Before I could even think about what I had done I was pinned on the ground.

The kicks to my face grew harder and harder. All I could really do was cover my face up the best I could and wait for it to end. She grabbed my cellphone and threw it at me signaling it was over. I waited until she walked away to get up before trying to go out the door again. She caught me.

This time she pushed me against the wall which caused me to knock some pictures of the wall. "Family" photos. This caused her to get even more angry and I ended up on the floor again. This time with her on top of me with her hands fully clamped around my neck. I could feel the life draining out of me as I stuggled for breath. I managed to choke up, "You're going to kill me!"

She tightened her grip and yelled, "You want me to kill you, don't you?"

I held on to her arms trying to pull them away. I gasped before gagging, "Yes just fucking kill me god damn it!" At first I thought I was just telling her what she wanted to hear, but now that I think back on it I know I was serious. I really wanted her to choke the life out of me at that point in time. I wanted the cops to find my murdered cold body. I wanted her to have her day in court. I wanted the peace I always thought came along with death. I even closed my eyes and stopped trying to fight her.

She let go once I stopped the struggle. This time if I didn't make it out of the house I surely would be dead. I bolted toward the back door grabbing my glasses on the floor on the way. Everything was so slow as the back door flew open. I could almost hear my heart pounding out of my chest as I ran for the back fence and jumped over. I knew I was safe, but I didn't stop running until I had reached the end of the block.

I often wonder if I would be alive now if I hadn't of decided I wanted to die. If I didn't want to be put out of my misery. I wonder what it would be like if I were dead sometimes but I quickly banish the idea. I'm here where I am supposed to be. Yeah I may be a little messed up, but at least I'm still alive.