I'll Never Be Good Enough.

So...

          Did you ever just want to be with a person so bad it hurt you to even breathe? Not even a specific person. Just one person who could understand what you were feeling and listen when you talk and care when you were in any kind of pain? Did you ever just want a friend to get it? Not even a significant other, but just a close friend? Your sister? Your best friend or friends? Have you ever felt so unimportant that you just wish you could tell everyone who ever hurt you that they win? Have you ever felt good enough?
          For me, it is the hardest feeling in the world to open up. Because I'm not the prettiest or the smartest or the nicest or the skinniest or the most popular, I have suffered years of mental abuse and I'm ashamed to say that I listen to most of it. I have overcome some of that torture, but when all you've ever heard is you'll never be good enough, how can you think anything different?
          I find it funny how it's okay for people to change. Everyone is allowed to change their style or their music or their personality and everyone else is okay with it. I had one good friend I connected with a weird way and I liked it because she was one I could turn to most of the time for help. I hurt her in a way I never meant to, but she was my friend anyway, and I was grateful for that. But she found better friends. She found a guy she likes and people who like her, and she is changing for the better and no one has any complaints. I tried to change. I tried to open myself up more and I tried to be nicer to people who deserved it, and everyone turned their backs on me.
          I learned who my true friends are a few days ago. And they are the only ones I could ever depend on. And they are me. I can reason with myself and I can make myself feel better when I need to, and no one else I know can do that. My true friend is myself because I am the only person I can be honest with. I know I will never be good enough for anything. I will never be good enough for friends, I will never be good enough for guys, and I will never be good enough for family, and when I try to be, it doesn't matter. No one cares. If no one else cares what I do, why should I?
          No one really likes me. They all have better friends to be with or a boyfriend to be with or a guy to flirt with or a person to pine after, so I'm not really significant. I'm only visible if they need help. If anyone needs a trip to reality, they call on me, and when they don't like what I have to say, I'm not important anymore. I am truly a loner because no matter how many people I have in my life, I will always be alone.
          Everyone wants me to change so badly. They tell me it would be a good idea if I did. Maybe people would like me and I'd have more friends. I tried that. It didn't work. So I guess I'll just post this to vent and if any of my "friends" happen to read this, maybe they'll finally understand. Maybe they'll actually try to talk to me about how I'm feeling for once. Actually, I'm pretty sure they would, but I'm also pretty sure that three days after we talk, things'll go back to the way they were...
          And I'll still never be good enough.

Samantha.